Day 5...

Continued from Day 4. (Which was edited after publishing so those of you who received it on email may want to go back and read the part you missed.) When you last heard from me,  I'd just changed a wrong answer that an ignorant and annoying girl wrote on our assignment.

I got to class really early today to go over the first 3 chapters one last time, because we had a test scheduled. No one else was there, since it was like 5 to 8 in the morning, so I decided I was going to move the lefty desk away from me...annoying Emily is a lefty and she sits next to me because that's where the desk is.  I moved the desk up two rows and over a few spots.  This passive aggressive...I mean proactive  move gave me hope that I'd be able to fully focus on the test and not on the snotty bitch sitting next to me who tried to mess with me and my Algebra grade.

Guess who else arrived early?  Yep!  Not only did she arrive early, but she moved her desk back!  I'm not even kidding you. Who does she think she is, moving desks?

I just ignored her and kept studying.  The professor came in and started handing back our group assignments.  She hands ours to Emily and I hear..."What??!"  When I look over, I see that we have a 3/10 on the assignment. She's all..."I'm sure this is right and no way could this be wrong."

That's when I realize my mistake.

HOLY SHIT! This girl is a frickin' NITRO and I pretty much left her in charge of an assignment that I'd be graded on. Only stopping to double checked one little thing...the slope...which by the way, was only partially right because her math was so jacked up.  

I was so mad at myself! As I was coming unglued, I realized that I'd once again trusted an 18 year old girl, and once again bad things happened.  I got my first F at UWP.

Yeah, yeah I know I'm a moron.  Well, at least I didn't go to private school, I've heard those kids are frickin' idiots and clearly, they don't know how to use a calculator!

Day 4...

In Algebra, I sit by an annoying 18-22 year old.  She first started to annoy me on Day 1 when after the professor made a comment about how "they (meaning 18-22 year olds) learned how to do math with calculators, and that some of them are lacking the basic skills needed for solving problems on their own."  This clearly irritated my neighbor because she made this face:

and said "Whatever!"

So the next day, annoying girl...let's call her Emily, got really pissy when the professor mentioned something along the "kids use calculators more now" line again.  This time she leaned over to me and said "I hate when she says that, it's not true!"

To which, I replied..."Umm, yes it is! She isn't saying that YOU learned how to do everything on a calculator, she's making a generalization about college students, and she's right... most of you (meaning 18-22 year olds) learned how to do math on calculators more than generations of college students before you.

She didn't seem to give a shit about that response. She fired back with "Well, I went to a private school and we couldn't use calculators, so I hate when she says that."

And I'm thinking:

Well, today we had to do a little assignment with the person sitting next to us...crap that's Emily!  When we got the assignment done, we could leave class.  When the teacher handed her the paper with the problem, she got right to it. I watched as she answered the questions and it looked like she was doing fine, so I just kind of watched over her shoulder.  For the last part of the problem, we had to figure out the slope.  She wrote down and ordered pair like (0,12). 

I'm only putting this in here because a week ago, I wouldn't have remembered what the hell that was.

Since I recently re-learned this crap and I know that the slope is not an ordered pair, so I said "I don't think the slope is righ"...that is where she cut me off and barked "TRUST ME!" as she got up and handed in the paper.

Yeah...that's right...this 18 year old bitch annoyingly snapped "TRUST ME!" at me.  WTF!?!?

I'm sorry, but the last 18 year old girl I trusted, stole 2 wine coolers out of a friend's grandma's refrigerator and nearly missed CCD for a week.....wait a minute...that was ME when I was 18.....point is........I don't trust 18 year old girls any farther than I could throw them.  

Actually on second thought, I could toss most of them quite a ways, so maybe I should put it like this...I don't trust 18 year old girls any further than their skinny jeans could be pulled up on my leg.

In case your wondering, Hell yeah!...I went to the professor, got our sheet back and quickly changed the slope.  I wasn't 4.0 last semester because I trusted some 18 year old........it was because I could bullshit my way through Philosophy papers!

To be continued....

Day 3...

Today one of my classes was cancelled.  I decided to utilize the extra time by getting a bunch of math assignments done, so I spent 3 straight hours in the Algebra Skills Lab (ASL).  Which is where this story takes place.  For a little background, Math 10 (a.k.a Nitro Math) students were given a quiz on Tuesday which was due today.  To receive full credit on the quiz, you had to come to the ASL and have a teacher initial it.

Cut to this morning about 9:55am.  There I am sitting with my book open, my calculator out and (I'm pretty sure a ream of) scratch paper scattered about in front of me.  In a 10 minute span 5 different 18-22 year olds came up and asked me for my initials. They thought I was a teacher working in the ASL...nice!

Here are the two main reasons this story makes me want to nut punch 18-22 year olds around the world...well at least the ones rushing to the ASL 5 minutes before their quiz is due.

1. I get it, I look older than your average college student, that I understand, but what blows my mind is the fact that I was clearly playing the part of "student" when they came up and asked me for my initials.  Seriously, how many college math teachers sit in the ASL with a calculator and a rainforests worth of scrap paper in front of them, struggling over math problems that most 6th graders find a bit boring??? I mean really look around you and consider that maybe this "old lady" is studying.  Morons!

2. I recognized one of the "kids"!  He's from Darlington, his cousins are my cousins. I remember when he was just a bulletin board in his mother's classroom.  Some of you know who I'm talking about right? Tanner Havens asked me for my initials!

Yeah, I can't believe he had not one seconds hesitation...a quick glimpse like..."Wait, she looks kind of familiar?!  Maybe I saw her at one the the 20 years worth of musicals and plays I've been to, or did I see her at Carson's(...Rayna's...Kalee's...take your pick of whatever Crist kid) graduation party?  Nope...nada.

Wait...maybe he was just "acting" like he didn't know me! Yeah, yeah that must be it...it's totally not because I'm old, completely forgettable and have been away from Darlington so long that a generation of "kids" have NO clue who I am!

Looks like I'm gonna have to do a little PR in Darlington. Apparently, having your brother urinate off of a building next to a cop doesn't give you the same kind of street cred it once would have....thanks for nothing Jed!

Day 2...

I love what getting older does for people. Aging gives most people self-awareness, and self-awareness is a good thing!  Age uncovers the parts of yourself that are real and should be tightly embraced. While at the same time it highlights the parts that don't feel right anymore and encourages being true to who you really are.

In the last few years, I've done that a lot.  I've come to love parts of who I am, and I've let go of some of the shit.  Shit, I thought was real.  Leftover shit from my parents, teachers, or from my own insecurities. Wherever it came from, it was keeping me from doing what deep down I really wanted to do.

Going to school, for example, is one of those things.  For years, I used bad-timing and lack of money as excuses for not going back, but at the core of it, I just didn't think I could handle it.  I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't college material.

I was aware of my gifts...swearing, making people laugh, nursing babies, eating chips, making lasting friendships, driving well over the posted speed limit, and did I mention swearing, but I was not a smart person.  That's my brother Eric's gift.  He is college material.  He has the ability to learn and figure things out...not me...I'm just funny.

For 32 years, that's what I believed.

Before I go any further, I need to make this clear...Eric's really smart, and I'm in no way comparing my IQ (or whatever) to his.  He is gifted, and although he can't beat my swear-words per minute record, he has amazing abilities!

The point is as I get older, I'm amazed at how often I realize how completely different I am, as opposed to who I thought I was.  Age & experience help me recognize when I'm clinging to the familiar old story instead of seeing what is actually there.

A capable person........who can eat lots of Doritos..........while driving really fast.

Semester 2 Day 1...

Well, I'm back.  After all my classes today, I feel pretty good about this semester.  I'm most looking forward to my American Government class. Oh and I was looking forward to my science class too, until I sat next to "Hali."

As in Hali-tosis!

Oh my gawd!  So my class started at 1pm, which was unfortunate because "Hali" must still be used to an afternoon nap.  At first I was confused, because I couldn't figure out where the disgusting smell was coming from.  Then, I realized it was this girl sitting next to me, and the stench was coming from her mouth every time she yawned.  

(Insert gag here) 

SHIT!!!!!!!  It's only 15 minutes into class, and I don't see this girl recovering from the drowsies anytime soon.  There's no coffee, Mt. Dew, or speed sitting next to her.  That's when I realized I'm stuck in this predicament for the next hour and 3 minutes!  I inched away from her, and tried to hold my breath as she continued to yawn & yawn.  

Maybe I should have nicknamed her Yanni!

I'm telling you, this was not normal bad breath.  It was not morning breath or cigarettes or coffee or alcohol or onions.  It was unexplainable!  I think it's best described as dog feces that was rolled in vomit, then soaked in blood, finally to be shoved in a rotting carcass and sprinkled with loneliness. 

(Insert dry heave here) 

I'm certain that Day 2 (and everyday I'm at UWP) will involve avoiding this girl.  I may actually change my major to Avoidance.

Semester 2 starts in...

2 weeks.
14 days.
336 hours.
20,160 minutes.
1,209,600 seconds.

However you say it, it still seems a bit too soon!  If you need to reach me on a Tuesday or Thursday after September 2nd, realize you will be competing with this...

so good luck!

I'm honored...

to be guaranteed a great, high-paying job because of my significant accomplishment.   Thanks UWP, I'm proud to be affiliated with you as well.

Wait, what's that?

This piece of paper doesn't guarantee anything and it's about as worthless in real life as learning how to do Algebra or parallel park.  

Bite me!